Keep Going
So who do I want to be now?
Now that the dust has settled, now that I’m safe and life is physically, financially and emotionally stable, who do I want to be?
One thing I know for certain, I don’t want to be the woman who relies on a man. I’ve been there, done that, and suffered the consequences of putting so much stock in another human. But, I also won’t make the mistake of not putting stock in other humans again. Multiple times over the last 18 months, my girlfriends have lectured me over not reaching out to them during my last relationship. Apparently, if you’re being scolded and forced to drive back to your office over something as measly as a phone charger, you’re supposed to speak up. Supposedly, if someone is making you get undressed in the dark in your own room, telling you that you’re not pretty when you try to initiate sex, and scolding you over your depression and anxiety symptoms, you’re supposed to speak out. Lesson learned.
I think the most valuable gift throughout this journey has been the support system I’ve built. Now I have a group chat, multiple actually, with fantastic women. We don’t all help each other each time, but one of us always has time to help. Someone picks up the slack each time. We inspire, validate, and comfort each other. I definitely want to continue being that person, the person who develops groups of friends where we pour into each other and openly turn to the circle when we’ve run dry to receive motivation, and sometimes, a good swift kick in the rear to be reminded that we all deserve good things, and sometimes we have to get them for ourselves.
Another big take away from this journey has been that not all humans are interested in the greater good. Not everyone cares about education, recycling, preserving wildlife, preventing violence, not donating to charities that are paying CEOs out the wazoo and so many other things. What I’ve learned is, I don’t like those people. Why are you here if you’re not contributing? Are you straight chilling? VETO. I spend most of my time learning new things. I read probably 20 essays a day, and at least two books a month. I am still pursuing higher education and devote myself mostly to my studies. I can’t imagine ever ceasing to learn. I can’t imagine ever not wanting to gain all the data I could, including from other humans. I could never utter the phrase, “I don’t want to speak to that person because I have nothing to learn from them.” As if you could know all the things another human knows, or understand the value of their information. There is always further to go, I will not hang out with people who are trying to avoid, or ignore progress.
In recent months I’ve shifted to mostly vegan. My rule is, “vegan at home, vegetarian in public.” I avoid processed foods, also. If I didn’t make it myself, me no eat. Since my grandmother fought off her fatal diagnosis of colon cancer in the early 2000s with diet, I have believed that there is something seriously wrong with our food system in the States. We’re poisoning our own children, all the while preaching that high protein is best and carbs are bad. Oh please. I like this aspect of myself, and I’m sure I’ll keep it. After all, you are what you eat, and some of you fools sure do seem like roasted dead pigs to me.
If I had to describe my hobbies by the one thing they all have in common, I’d say, “repair.” I enjoy home improvements, mending clothing, fixing computers, cars, and phones. I even tend to view gardening as a type of repair. A wise soul once told me, “food doesn’t go to waste, you put it back into the ground and it becomes fuel for the next plants you grow. It’s like gas in the engine of life.” It’s a system, and I repair it by making sure it stays in motion. Grow, eat, compost, repeat. I’ve been thinking of going a step further and making my way towards #zerowaste, but I do realize I’ll probably have to move somewhere more progressive to live that dream. I’ll start small; I want to find a way to stop using doggie poop bags, and I want to learn to cycle to work. I already compost at work, but I’m thinking of putting a worm bin in my home, oh, or in the basement! Great idea.
Where does that leave me: an open, progressive vegan, who is a life-learner and a jill-of-all-trades? That sits well with me. As I transition out of crisis, my brain has been a bit jumbled. Where does all this energy go if I’m not fighting to survive? What am I supposed to do if I’ve moved into thriving and settled? My wonderful support system of women told me, “keep going.” So here I go, off to be an open, progressive vegan, who is a life-learner and a jill-of-all-trades, and if you ever want to talk, I’m here.
