And we’re writing
We’re writing today.
We’re writing because the water is off.
We’re writing because I just need my phone to come on so I can send an email so that I can secure a new place to live.
We’re writing because this beer is almost finished and I can’t decide whether or not to order another.
We’re writing because I found a lighter in my bag and have no incentive to go home for the dog now.
We’re writing because as rough as life up here gets, it’s better than life back home.
It’s weird to reflect on how much I needed this move. I had not realized how tired I was of people thinking I was my sister, or cops recognizing my last name when they pulled me over. It’s so lovely to be somewhere where I’m just ‘someone.’ However, I am aware that to most people back home, I was still just ‘someone’ but for those that I wasn’t, it was too heavy of a burden for me. I wanted, needed to be somewhere that was MINE. This place, I can say, is truly and sincerely my own.
Coming home last week, I realized how important it is to me to be ‘just another face in the crowd.’ When we were young, I remember everyone discussing how terrifying it felt to realize you were just some small speck in the universe — that never felt frightening to me. Relief was all I felt when I realized that social and environmental justice weren’t all on me. When I realized that it was also up to you all to accept others, make a happy planet, and preserve our futures, I felt relief.
Relief is what I feel every moment up here. Relief is what I experience when I ask to go to the bar alone at 1:30 and bae goes to sleep; relief is what I experience when I go to the bar for a drink and have 6 instead. Relief is what I feel when I emailed my bosses about a bad week and I receive kindness and support in return.
Support is what I did not receive at home. Now don’t get me wrong, there were a few supportive souls and I don’t mean to discount them, but they were not able to undo what years and years of having older siblings that everyone knew did. Hell, I rode back into town with my eldest brother’s high school best friend. Upon meeting him, my best friend went to introduce herself and I had to say, “I’m sure y’all have met before” and drag her away. I just wanted to be somewhere that I felt invisible because I felt too seen back home.
‘Too seen’ is how I felt when I had fuck-up, mistakes, breakups. Up here? If I dump a fucker tomorrow, ain’t no one saying shit. If I have a meltdown in the streets? Silence. If I crash my car into a bridge? Silence. All I ever wanted was silence.
Always survive ; never surrender